YES, i want to enhance the velvet, quality of inner resonance. Me wanting to be Living deliberately free is as large and tall (Order) and colorful as the origin of this Earth. Being physically homeless..{meaning when one is forcefully pushed out of house,apartment by the landlord for her getting more money after cosmetic enhancement of her house, was the violation forcing me into terrible days ahead}….so being homeless for few years

(may sound far from my goal), is taking me in unusual places, in unusual confronting situations. And at first is very scary event beyond comprehension, beyond…because I see it as unnatural situation, since humans and other beings all need homes, roofs, places to belong. So I am going to just fast forward to the present part of my daily meditation:

Anatomy of daily introspective meditation works, and carve my way with group of words amounting the alluvial,and extreme experiences one can have causing great deal of RESISTING it all, yet not really realizing i was resisting something…, going with what has been happening , doing the best about it, trying every measure possible. It sounds like crisis. And how one very good natural born healer who has been helping people from all walks of life to their success to their well being, health and happiness, can ever acknowledge to her self that her own shitty situation,  has broadly affected my lively hood, my healing practice, interrupted at all levels… Hiding.  Acting as if everything is O.K. but it wasn’t. At the present

I am sitting in my true friend’s home in quiet clean lovely warm place. I can hear my self telling me that I can achieve my  dreams goals desires, BUT  trying so hard to find me a home so i have and heal my roots,  I needed to face the resistance causing delays and more hardships that I  am not here to be learning from. I am sitting here today to do alchemy to help me, to find where is the solution. And in fact non of us nor this planet asked for such turmoil to teach us a lesson. Since  we are the graduation  from millions of lives here and elsewhere, such antagonistic retrogrations are insane in the face of a mature old souls. What i just wrote is one part of the truth but there is more and this is why my intention is to say it see it and it will be understood clearly why.

Resolving my own resistance. 1. It is found in the obsessive question: Why is it so hard to find a home? Why I didn’t find anything yet? What I am doing wrong, if I am doing everything that possibly can and needs to be done about it? Do i see that there are other circumstances that I can’t possibly be responsible for, affect and or influence? Such as dirty politics, corporate gains? 2. The resistance for having to pay for everything on this planet, defend for my self, living in a strange culture, in a country which is  hostile natural human beings, 3. I am resisting the fact that I have been on my own all my life with heavy emotional burdens,not seeing any large positive results, 

4. Resisting the truth about my negative  relationships with man, who was misusing me for their own gain. 5. Letting go by that as a professional I am being underpaid for what I do. Or I let people to use and manipulate me into giving energy work for free because they call them selves “my friend(s). Assuming I will be O.K. with lip service of “we pay you later” but we need you now! Why did I make it O.K. is because I still didn’t value my self and my gifts.

I was protecting my self by denying that all the above   kept  happening. Contradicting  my mind to change the actual experiences.(and so… I realize this now in this meditation journey, process as my catalyst to change it.) I allow~ flow ~release~ movement of the emotional/mental, my mind intelligence, cause the static stagnation of being stag in this is not my priority preference. My heart historically withstanding disappointments  holds the space for my inner family gathering, all that i can do through feeling it all.  Visiting a time line of my mental and emotional body of the inner child: I wished for love but what i got was distortion of love, missuses. My heart was in the pain yet i convinced my self otherwise (historically in my upbringing there is recognizable pattern of silent suffering and struggle alone with unresolved emotional burdens that are being subjectively perceived  as turned offs for those of a Western world, if we want to live and be among other humans.) When there are opposing forces in our live either we   split ourselves thus  poisoning the entire system with denial, resistance; or we got the hint for examination. Being great at surviving way too many tragedies, upheavals extreme emotional burdens, we need to draw the line finding meaning, balance understanding of one self.

The Soul~ the Person ~the Spirit somewhere along this road split and felt  numb and broken. Only when working, which became less and less frequent, I felt like my self again as if life was where it suppose to be. Focusing on Solution not the problem as my mantra. My problem was not having my own place to live, my problem was i couldn’t find any suitable place to live. This problem grown over me. Friends helping trying to find me a place, some helped me by inviting me into their homes for few weeks or months till i would find something…it went on and on and on. Then my 91years old mother had to be taken care of, i put my life on hold (as many times before) went to look after her cross the ocean, then traveled back cross the ocean back, without rest continuing my search, then my mother has passed and my search for home had to be put on hold again, i had to take care of things in Europe. Everything takes for ever in the realm of dysfunctional 3D matrix, getting  papers organized,  after death and all it takes to bring it to a closure, requires enormous level of focus, energy, patience, mastery and again “I HAD TO” suck it up and “just do it”….

When the things that you don’t want in your life,  starts to growing like poison ivy on you, you keep thinking and wishing back the years of  your previously high standard achievements, happy and effortless single motherhood (my harsh and on the same breath spontaneously most beautiful years of my life with  my children), you are exhausted of your present reality. Here are the moments of internal decision making saying either i resolve this or… the hiding, living like a caveman, i felt i was becoming less and smaller from  who I am originally: outgoing, open adventures sun light accepting things as they presented them selves…I begun to hide more and more from the public to give space for addressing all my issues.  My personal life-less and  being the healer that people expected me to be.

 Straggle with personal relationship with a man.  choosing to be alone for the most part due to my fear   that i can’t have love, healthy relationship with a man. (To me this is the OLD DNA from my parents, the ancestors that i see as integrated and healed yet there is still something at the other level persisting to be found) I lost trust. I didn’t trust man and I didn’t trust me i thought to my self what is the point for having a relationship if i am not seen, not heard, if i am being pushed around, a doormat… Yet i didn’t want to be alone with everything either. This is called The Human. I felt it was best if i establish a woman’s spiritual council group giving a space for the foundation  for  sharing spiritual experiences, clairvoyant seeing etc., having a deep meaningful connections, with the practical applications to our daily physical lives. The amount of interruptions, distractions, one thing after another, not having my own place, my project crashed. I died inside. To be align with my Higher self and to have such reality is shock to my over all system my capacity to absorb everything. So again stoping my self, and following the path where i am being taken internally looking at all my resistance places, thoughts and fears and doubts and falls perceptions and expecting the worst yet hoping for the best outcomes,(and here it is where it is twisted, thus antagonous)  I am my own satellite dish to guid this person me to a better place, clearing and purifying the Stalemate.

I know to be true: unlimited, I direct my life I live my life feeling the energy the high spirit guiding me no matter what. I decide when inspired what i desire. My inspiration in this mental emotional self healing subconsciousness day is the very numbness. 

Hmmmmm….I take action I am a doer,what vibration via my thoughts do i hold? …the present energy is moving gently through my body thus taking me to these emotions Here dealing with dysfunctional hand me downDNA:…as a child I was brave.  I embodied Bravery I was strong and grown up at age of 5-6 years old for my insecure, confused and lost mother. Lost to her despair that she is also feeling alone lonely victimized every minute and punished for being alone. Meaning not having a male because her own insecurity, lack of proper nutrition, lack of minerals in her body, being the survival of 2nd world war, not taking responsibility for her own actions, being the victim, being raised with catholic nuns,  pushed my father away. Mother didn’t realize the damages it cost us (brother and me) when she repeatedly ignored the obvious fact that we , her kids, were in her daily living reality. Her abnormal ego nurtured her drama for feeling abandoned by a man, she didn’t really know what was it she wanted, thus abandoning her children and as a result I felt especially the burden of taking care of my younger brother, having lost both of my parents, looking after my mother’s needs, figuring out what they may be, and not having even inkling that i may have my own needs and wants. Becoming my own parent.

To be figuring out daily what mood my mother was, what she was thinking and how to prevent her rage and terrible temper beyond control from beating me up with a 18th century   horse whip. School was a breather for me nobody was shouting at me and or beating me up,the school was the place where i was learning what it means to be relaxed and feeling safe. I think today that was my main reason for visiting the school the second was the education .The other places that were positive for me saving my sanity was ballet, dance, art, self defense (in later years), reading secretly in the bathroom adventures/how to escape..books.   Puget of flowers  for my mother at least twice a week to help her feel better and as a reminder of love. It lasted half an hour before she figured out how to disturb my life again. I was constantly trying so hard  to please her.Mother wasn’t kind person to me.Her preference for my brother over me was also very obvious. Daily limbo with her mood swings, rage and anger, crying, pushing on us her story of a victim, to be in her mercy and deciding for me if i didn’t work fast enough, if i didn’t figure out correctly what her needs and demands were on the spot it bought more beatings. She was able to brake her many wooden spoons over my back. I was then left for several hours by my self, my brother was often visiting our father that i was made to be afraid of, yet living in house hold with a monster, i often run outside playing on the street with other kids, trying to forget everything, then getting injured going back home, and instead of receiving nourishment and nursing i got more to be hit and yelled at.  My mother also loved to punish me by not talking to me at all as if i didn’t exist, i was dismissed especially when i had some pressing question, when i wasn’t sure how to navigate my home work (school). I also didn’t have a clue how child could deserve such life. My needs were being dismissed over her own needs.This is the DNA humanity is addressing on huge scale in every single direction, the 3D is definitely dissolving and Mother Earth is expanding into multidimensional being as per Her own original blue print. The human doing it individually/collectively. The stronger white light high vibration frequency winning.

By writing about it, and exposing this layer here (I did deal with in my early years with many psychotherapies, ballet, sports, theatre exposer), I am bringing from my adult self to my inner child into safety. The deep understanding of what safety means how does it look like. I bring a healing and integration with me as a saged adult. To bring real peace through  the light  and purification, the fragmentations that  i am feeling and experiencing as my soul shard coming back home into my heart. It is a valid experience of communication to find the words expressing and releasing it into the light of acknowledgement, freeing this energy so it doesn’t feel so oppressive. These were all denied childhood basic needs transversing up to date, that were coming out finding its way, finding their right place of belonging, we can’t find where we truly belong if we have un-integrated childhood scars, those roots that couldn’t grow in a healthy way of natural happiness. For siting in the depth of our dark subconsciousness realizing and feeling my own emotional body the need for freedom for my unborn childhood roots, to free oneself from the disconnect, from my own early years and bringing them back to my self-heart, that is what healing/integration means to me. Once I feel what it is hat I am seeking the knowingness is there to connect and integrate. It is now possible and easier  to let it go home/the heart. I am willing to able consciously to free open my heart space to these memories giving them expression, and freedom. I can connect and recognize this very act of writing and sitting with the carved words, is also one of my need for expressing. I would so much love to cook a great dinner for my friend but I am just right now in the flow of this entropy unfolding process and I wish to honor it. Because it is sincere to my child inside.